Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Something has been occupying my mind, as of late. Really, I guess it's something that has been tapping on my psyche for the past six months or so. I will be turning 39 on January.18th...but that's not it. Okay, maybe part of it. Really, I guess it's this almost palpable sensation of my own unfurling. Now, this might sound completely nuts, but I just feel like I'm turning 18 all over again. It's quite exhilarating! Physically...mentally...emotionally...it feels like I'm rediscovering who I am, and what I want for myself. I am fervourantly trying to tell my inner critic to piss off, and let me get on with it already. I'm making a conscious effort to push away all my old fears. Baby steps...but steps none the less.
As Dr.Christane Northrup has so beautifully said....I am 'giving birth' to myself.
Key to this whole process is my husband.We are high school sweethearts, and have been happily together for almost 21 years(married 17 of them). We have basically grown up together.We became homeowners at 21...parents at 23...He has had more love, faith, and confidence in me, than I have ever had in myself.
I would say our relationship parallels renovating this old house we live in. We rushed headlong in...eyes closed....hearts open. Getting comfortably settled in...all the while ignoring that leaky foundation until one day....
And so, we went back, and fixed most of those cracks. Slowly, we worked through one room at a time...opened some doors...closed some doors...opened windows, and let the air and sunshine in...now everything is(most days)fresh...and light...and lovely.
And here we are today. We are not a fairytale...but a very REAL life love affair. I am married to a man who shows me he loves me everyday. And it is this that is helping to give me the freedom to play.
I am perfectly content to not know all the answers...to not know what is next. Experience with the past, has taught me that I will embrace whatever future comes my way.