Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Becoming Unfurled....


Something has been occupying my mind, as of late. Really, I guess it's something that has been tapping on my psyche for the past six months or so. I will be turning 39 on January.18th...but that's not it. Okay, maybe part of it. Really, I guess it's this almost palpable sensation of my own unfurling. Now, this might sound completely nuts, but I just feel like I'm turning 18 all over again. It's quite exhilarating! Physically...mentally...emotionally...it feels like I'm rediscovering who I am, and what I want for myself. I am fervourantly trying to tell my inner critic to piss off, and let me get on with it already. I'm making a conscious effort to push away all my old fears. Baby steps...but steps none the less.

As Dr.Christane Northrup has so beautifully said....I am 'giving birth' to myself.
Key to this whole process is my husband.We are high school sweethearts, and have been happily together for almost 21 years(married 17 of them). We have basically grown up together.We became homeowners at 21...parents at 23...He has had more love, faith, and confidence in me, than I have ever had in myself.

I would say our relationship parallels renovating this old house we live in. We rushed headlong in...eyes closed....hearts open. Getting comfortably settled in...all the while ignoring that leaky foundation until one day....

And so, we went back, and fixed most of those cracks. Slowly, we worked through one room at a time...opened some doors...closed some doors...opened windows, and let the air and sunshine in...now everything is(most days)fresh...and light...and lovely.

And here we are today. We are not a fairytale...but a very REAL life love affair. I am married to a man who shows me he loves me everyday. And it is this that is helping to give me the freedom to play.

I am perfectly content to not know all the answers...to not know what is next. Experience with the past, has taught me that I will embrace whatever future comes my way.

5 comments:

Jennifer said...

This is beautiful and I am so glad to see you back. Your perspective on your birthday and what it means to you is so utterly wonderful. I wish that I could wrap my arms around my own birthdays in this manner.

And your relationship with your husband sounds beautiful as well. My husband is 9 years older than me, but we met while I was still in highschool and have been together for over 17 years and married for almost 15 years...growing together as well. :-)

Your home sounds amazing, not just what you have physically done with it but the soul and love that you have infused.

And...and your paintings? Divine. Gorgeous. Stunning.

Thinking of you.xoxoxo
Jen(ceanandjen)

pERiWinKle said...

Hey Sweetie,

Thank you for all your beautiful comments.

A few days back I heard this sentence...

""if you can feel comfortable with not knowing, you are learning".

that sentence openend doors for me...and your enthusiasm and love for learning and not knowing is very contagious!

Where in Alberta do you live? Guess what? My parents and sister and her fam moved to Alberta 4 years back...

Speak again soon...Happy and excited that I have met you!

xx

Bohemian Mom said...

amen sister!
This post truly resonates with me. I began living, in a sense, when my daughter was born. I choose to celebrate my own "rebirth", every time my birthday comes up....starting with getting my first tattoo when I turned 35! Talk about exhilarating!
It is so refreshing to hear of your strong and always growing relationship with your hubby.
21 years! Wow! I love how you write about it and your house with such beautiful imagery.
xo

daisies said...

i turned 39 last november and can i say that i can so identify with this feeling of unfurling physically, mentally and emotionally. i am loving this feeling that i am becoming who i am and discovering how amazing that is :)

'giving birth to myself' ~ i like that ... and it amazes me that our journeys have been so different and yet we are in such similar places ...

its very nice to 'meet' you :) xox

daisies said...

um ... and that painting ~ so incredibly beautiful :)